Hey Revenge Guy, 
I’m in a situation and need some advice.

I moved in with two people back before summer, so about 7-8 months ago. One of them was an old roommate/friend. At first we got along great but over time, what I thought was them just occasionally having “fun”, turned out to be a full-blown cocaine problem.

After bringing up how I was concerned for their health, that I feel alienated (because I’m not doing blow with them), and that I thought they had a bit of a problem; their reaction was to say I should move out because ” their lifestyle didn’t fit with mine”.

I’m really hurt because I thought they were my friends. But it turns out cocaine is more important. They only hang out with dealers or cokehead. They do it almost 5 days a week, on top of both being bad alcoholics.

After getting over the initial hurt, I realized how fu*ked up what they did was. I want to subtly make their lives hell until they finally tell me when to leave. I just can’t think of anything. One of them hates bugs so I’m thinking crickets or daddy long legs.

Any ideas would be appreciated.

Thanks, Andrew

Hi Andrew,
There are plenty of ways to screw with these cokeheads roommates and give them what they deserve.

You’ve been living with them for several months, you say. That’s good. You know how they’ll react to things that happen to them. And what will work to freak them out.

The key here is to make anything that happens seem to be just one of those things, not anything that anyone did.

I do like the crickets idea, that should be about the last thing you do, no sense in being a part of that catastrophe!

So here are some things you can do:
I assume they both work, or at least one of them does. Pop a breaker every once in awhile and let them be late for work. If they rely on an alarm clock it won’t go off. If they charge their phone at night, it won’t be charged. You get the idea.

Big alcoholics? Get some hot sauce and smear it thinly on the outside of their bottles and glasses. It’ll be on their fingers aggravating their skin, eventually making it into their mouths and giving them a nice surprise.

Get a second phone number and fake a call from the police to make an appointment to talk with them about possibly being a witness to something. You know where they’ve been, so think of those places where a car accident happened, or a child was kidnapped. Let them sweat it out that the police are coming to the house. You can run with this for a few weeks, having no one show up at the appointed time, cancelling and rescheduling the appointment, basically use this as long as they continue to get freaked out by it.

Watch that they eat. Alcoholics and coke fiends have interesting eating habits. A week or so before you finally leave, put some of their regular foods in hidden places to eventually rot and stink the place up. Because it’s their usual food it’ll seem like they did it to themselves. Think of under cushions, in the back of cabinets, etc.

Liquid Ass is one of my favorite things to use. Ideally you can smear it on the restroom door handle, the inside door handle, so when they exit the restroom they get the hard-to-remove stink on their hands. Also, Liquid Ass is great to put on car door handles, tools, any stuff they touch to use.

If they both pass out at the same time, go into their wallets and move money from one of them to the other’s wallet or pocket. If you can do this sneakily, do it and cause major strife between them.

If they order a lot of take-out food from one place in particular, see if you can get them to stop delivering. This is hard if they use food delivery apps but can be done if you talk to them and are convincing enough. A good story to use is credit card fraud, the people ordering to this address are using a stolen credit card.

I hope this helps you and you get out of there on your own terms. Feel free to reach out again in a few months and let me know how things went for you.

Have a great life!
RG